What to do if you're afraid to talk to your cofounder about equity

The startup world is different from school or corporate. It calls you to grow and better yourself. The fear you have about talking equity with your cofounder is one of those calls.

I've been at this startup thing for a while. That means I get lots of questions from newbie founders I meet at events or online. One that keeps coming up is, "We haven't split equity yet. We need to, but I'm worried about X."

Doesn't matter what "X" is - it's a red herring. The "worried" is the key part of it. In confounding pairs (or triads) where the equity split hasn't been decided up front, there can be a lot of anxiety around raising it.

The apprehension is driven by the questions rolling around in your head. They often include:

• My cofounder wants too much (and I'm more skilled, it was my idea, I'm working full time, etc.)
• My cofounder may think I want too much (it's their idea but I've been building it, they can't get to market without me, I was getting paid more than them before this, etc.)
• They might quit our startup after the conversation
• They might be angry, or sad, or cry, or yell
• They may not be willing to commit to this as a real thing, and this conversation makes it real
• I may not be willing to commit to this as a real thing.

Everybody thinks one or more of these. That avoidance you're feeling, though, is a false bargain. Rather than knowing the answer to any of these doubts, you are choosing to sit in discomfort.

As your company grows, everything gets more complex, not less. There are more employees, more investors, a board, technical debt, health insurance... And your relationship with your cofounder will get more complex too. You'll have more stories, more arguments, more tough moments, and more victories behind you. The only way to get to the strong relationship you likely want and your company needs is to act in relationship.

I think the hardest relationship skill for most of us to learn is to speak directly but kindly to our wants and needs. We fear rejection more than we care about having any particular need met. And we'll sit and stew and digest our stomach lining rather than face that rejection.

The equity angst you feel is the rawness of the startup world calling you to grow in this way with your cofounder.

Consider:

• If you want to leave after the conversation, well, better now than feeling like that for years before you leave
• If your cofounder leaves because of the conversation, they probably wouldn't have stayed anyway
• If you feel undervalued with the equity your cofounder thinks is fair for you, that feeling isn't going to get better over time

You're better off knowing than not knowing. And that means bringing up equity sooner rather than later. This is first test of the trial by fire that is the startup journey. And you'll come out a stronger person.

I'm not your lawyer, your therapist, your advisor, or your accountant. We're just internet friends, and these are just my experiences and personal opinions. Consult professionals for advice before you make any sudden moves in your startup.

You will see the occasional affiliate link. I do earn a commission if you buy the products I recommend. I appreciate you buying through the links if you're going to buy. This is a labor of love for my fellow cofounders, and I do love receiving a few coins to pay hosting costs if you like my work.